Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
