There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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