Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
