Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
