It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
