guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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