just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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