tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
