I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
