If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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