Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
