Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
