mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
