Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
