so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
