the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
