She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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