This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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