I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just gargled with NyQuil
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
