And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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