I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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