mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
