she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
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my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
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I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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