Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
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What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
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Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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