That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
