You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
