I met the friendliest cop last night
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
