I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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