where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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