ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
