Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
