You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
