the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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