I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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