Yo dont text me then not text me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
