I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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