I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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