You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
