I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
