just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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