i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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