I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Fuck me I smell like cheese
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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