I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
