I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just found a bag of teeth...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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