Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
