this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
