why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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