chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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