Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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