so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
