HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
